pay off of being one of the 'em...

it could be because i was born with an environment surrounded by females species that is why i am closer with guys now. it may be because i got somewhat thirsty with my dad's attention and presence that is why i would rather spend some hours chatting with guy friends, than spending time with kikay things with girl barkadas. i can't dig out for the real reason. i just know that i am one of them. :)

i remembered when i was in my preschool. i used to be close with classmates, mark david vitug and antonio talastas. just recently, i came across antonio and i just realized that he is now a she. lol

when i was in highschool, i was closer to guys than girls too. i spent most of my mirror (student publication) times with jonathan. though i have a great number of girl friends, i would probably consider that spending times with paul benjie and paul nicolo as one of the greastest, not to mention my happiest moments with nino, harold and chichard (happy birthday chard! muah!).

my four years of college was most of the time spent having gimmicks, out of towns and drinking sessions with caloy. what, he is one hell of a great friend. and what i really liked about him is that he would simply laugh about my crazy thoughts, but would always cry with me when i am in despair. i remembered, few days before graduation, brian and i had a huge fight. caloy was there, not just to comfort me but to make sure that he would walk me into my dorm after a lasingan and iyakan night.

the list could be endless. me being with jeff >>> cams with thesis groupmates obej, emon and dumlao >>> cams with kuya alex and kuya ely >>> inuman sessions with kuya bok and erick >>> dematisse and malate days with jocel >>> firing with a bunch on maskulados >>> gimmicks with engel, benjie and eric.

but you see, me, being here in westgrove is quite cool. we are six here in the admin office, ma'am cherry, eric, architect eric, engr, benjie and kuya don. sooner, ma'am cherry will be leaving for a higher position. after work, i would usually spend times hanging out in the security office and would blab about anything under the sun.

and what do i feel about being one of them? more than the fact that i feel secured being with them, i could say that i am sooooo comfortable being with them and being one of them. what else could i ask for? learning the real nature of guys (anu, punta tayong aurora's?), laughing about their wildest thoughts (anu, ilang beses nga ulit si alain, benj? hahaha!), imagining how hard it could be guy (e gwapo ka eric e...tsk!), shouting panis to them when they turn down an offer of inuman, and so on and so forth... but on the contrary, seeing guy friends being on their worst (and i mean, worst lol. say, pambabae, panlalait ng babae, at pagsisinungaling sa jowa) would always make me a bit scared of the idea of marriage, commitment and being a wife. and im telling you, there are those times that i want to show the part of real me (being a girl), but i simply cant. syempre, kahit gusto mong magdrama, wag na. mga lalake kasi, macho. they wont understand how bad you feel. minsan nga, they would laugh about it pa. same with kilig moments. di mo din pedeng i-share sa kanila just like that. (ang hirap pa man ding kinikilig mag isa, lol.) and the hardest part of it all, is the chance that you could be too attached to one of these guys and your heart might want something more... but let's not talk about that. that is completely a different angle. but you see, im telling you. it pays to be one of the boys.. tsk!

is it really worth it?

I should be thankful that I have Benjie right by my side right this moment. I could simply talk to him and tell him how bad I feel right now. I should be telling him how confused I feel and how uncertain I am with what I want. I suppose to be telling him that I feel like crying a river. If only it could be very easy for me to tell him that I still got this too much guilt within me and it keeps on growing every now and then. I wished I could turn back time...

To my greatest all time bestfriend who keeps on understanding me, thanks and sorry for I can not entrust you this one.

To the only person who keeps on saying and proving that I am indeed loved by him, Brian, I am so sorry. I can't think of any other word to say. Sorry. I did not intend for things to end up this way...

on my NTH job...

my work here in westgrove as an admin assistant is officially my third job.... and technically my nth job. let me tell you a brief background.

few days (and i really mean, FEW... say, two days?) after graduation, i was employed in sykes asia. not a bad start for a fresh grad like me. also, definitely, not a bad salary. i was with sykes for almost a year. sitting in front of the computer, fighting with all my might to remain awake. being awake the whole night was of course, never an easy job. and what made it harder was the fact that the place was so cold, the cubicle is sooooooo quiet, and your chair is so comfortable. parang parusa lang... antok na antok ka, the place is so ideal for sleeping and yet, you have to fight it.

i left sykes for a reason i don't want to disclose here in my blog, as of the moment (take note, as of the moment. hahaha, meaning, i MIGHT disclose it sooner or later). i was kind of hoping then for a recovery for my poor eye bags, for some good night sleep and for some real gimmicks at night till wee hours of the morning. that is why it was a shock to some when i settled for another call center > Paragon. i know deep inside me during those times that i want to be with a daytime job. actually, for two months, i tried searching for a daytime job. i remembered waking up early, preparing for a job interview but then would always turn down the job offer upon seeing those figures of money written on my contract. sad to say, after few months then, i withdraw the idea of working in the morning. it was like choosing between.... uhmmm... A.) BEAUTY REST/ GOOD NIGHT SLEEP and B.) GOOD SALARY, GOOD SCHOOL FOR BINBIN, GOOD STUFFS ON MY CLOSET, GOOD AMOUNT OF PENNY IN MY POCKET, MORE SHOPPING ALLOWANCES FOR MAMA, DELIGHTFUL FOOD, IPOD, DIGICAM, ETC. ETC. ETC. ETC. ETC. the list could be engless. haha. no match di ba? and so i spent almost another year in paragon. though there were so me fateful times that worked for mid and morning shifts. (but erick, that doesn't mean that i already forgot that you always put me on the night shift. tsk!)

i know some of the people i've been with were actually thinking that i am a kind of person who easily gets bored. iniisip nila, madali akong magsawa sa trabaho. i know that they would laugh about it, but i realized that definitely, i am not like what they think i am. i know convincing people that i am not like that was as hard as when i tried telling and convincing architect engel and company that i am a timid person. haha. but really, di po ako madaling magsawa. it just so happened that i felt that i don't belong to jollibee that was why i just went to work for a couple of days. same feeling with bill's gate that was why i just spent few days at work, couple of weeks with hsbc and literally a day (yeah, VERY SINGULAR) with teletech. choosy pa ko! hmpt! hehe. don't get me wrong. of course, i know i should not be proud about these things. it just so happene that when i came to the point of deciding over these issues, i was more than glad than ever. put it this way, i am not the person who will pushed my limit over things. if i no longer feel like doing what i have to do (at work), of course, i will quit. what's wrong with being a quiter anyway. sus ko naman, kesa naman pinaplastik mo sarili mo, di ba? e napaka-transparent ko pa man ding tao.

and now, i am with another company... told you, my NTH job. i am here for just a month now... and guess what? i dont exactly know what i want to do, i can't even assure myself that i will know what i want in the coming days. fyi guys, i am on morning job now. i am with a pretty famous company (Ayala Property Management Corp of Ayala Land Inc.), i am soooooo okay with all these great people and friends around me, i am with a friend (benj) of more than ten years, and i am trying to figure out all the positive things i can think of with these new job and so on and so forth. during my first few days here, i did everything i can do. i starter filing things, i wanna start anew. i was constantly asking people what i can do just to burn some of fats and get away from boredom. for more than a month now, i'm getting the hang of it. did i already mention that it is my nth job but OFFICIALLY the first job that requires me to physically meet and mingle with customers and clients? yes, for a fact, i am not just blabbing explanations over the phone or chat aplet now. i am physically and REALISTICALLY talking to them, reading their facial expression and embracing all their disappointments and irritations.

and what do i feel about it? nothing so concrete yet... but guess what, nowadays, i feel so involved and somewhat close to the feeling of being needed. not a bad feeling, huh? not at all... and am i gonna stay long here? uhmm... we'll see...

the bells are ringing....

benj became the number one fan of the 'brian-camille' loveteam. hahaha. korni. he's one hell of a crazy person who is too engrossed on our love story, and surely, the idea of me being wed to brian would delight him. i completely understand benjie's perception. of course, being my riend for more than ten years would almost obliged him to be a 'stage bestfriend' and would always wish nothing but happiness for me.

these past few days, benjie and i were talking about this whole wedding thing, and so sorry but it appears that he is more excited than anybody else involved with the issue. haha. atatchi case? hahaha and so i was telling him that he wont be hearing bells ringing...

but then, just before clock ticks to 5pm, i was thinking about several things which happened today:
~> i will be staying here in westgrove the whole weekends. i will go to work on sunday since benjie will be out for the wedding of highschool batchmates, dennis and joan (congratulations!)
~> i will be out on monday. it would be dedet (my older sister) and ryan's wedding.
~> a son of the lotowner called in to follow up a prenuptial photo shoot on monday.

i am now thinking.... why are all bells ringing?

.... tsk!

back reading

i was back reading the sentiments i wrote on Joie De Vivre (www.unraveledsentiments.blogspot.com). i got the hang of it that i almost forgot to answer the ringing phone near my office table. i was quite amazed with how i wrote my feelings before. masyadong ma-emosyon... nakakatakot. i learned one of the valuable lessons through the years >>> never be too transparent... cause sooner or later, people will use it against you... tsk.